


An Excerpt From The Lost Chapter 4½ of Candide, Found In Voltaire's Wastebasket Long After His Death

by norah



Category: Candide - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, rarelit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-03
Updated: 2005-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-02 06:39:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norah/pseuds/norah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what the title says, I'm afraid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Excerpt From The Lost Chapter 4½ of Candide, Found In Voltaire's Wastebasket Long After His Death

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack, written for Nifra.

Candide, so affected was he by the story told by his former tutor, rushed instantly to the home of the kind Anabaptist and pleaded with him to assist in curing the good philosopher of his ailment. On hearing his entreaty, and seeing Candide so stretched before him in an attitude of the most abject supplication, the Anabaptist was overcome with goodwill and agreed without hesitation to supply the money, that Dr. Pangloss should be cured.

"However," said he, "your companion's story has given me a great fright, for I have been a lover of women and had not known that they spread such ruin among men. Alas! Candide, this world is truly cruel and unjust, for I find myself robbed of the company of the fairer sex, which until now I had held so dear."

Candide comforted the distraught Anabaptist, saying, "Well do I know how you feel, for my own dear lady, Miss Cunegund, has been cruelly violated and slain by the Bulgarians, and I too am left alone."

But Dr. Pangloss, who had listened to this exchange, broke in then, saying, "And thus we see the ultimate benevolence of fate, that your temptation should be removed before you were to come to such a pass as I. Truly, all things are for the best, in this best of all possible worlds; for how else would we all three have been brought together?"

"It is perhaps to bring us together that these events have transpired; I then count my illness and your bereavement lucky signs, that they have made of us a company. And do not despair of companionship," the good doctor proclaimed, "For just as women have been given mouths and other apertures for the greater growth of pleasure and joy in the world, so have men, though not in such abundance. We are thus able to comfort one another, being so conveniently gathered, in all the ways of the flesh, without requiring the assistance of the fairer sex."

While Pangloss was speaking, the Anabaptist had begun to disrobe, eyes fixed on Candide. And Candide, for his part, was beginning to see the true wisdom of his old tutor's words, as he beheld the body thus revealed to him, and felt himself convinced of his good fortune. However, just then the physician arrived with the philosopher's cure.


End file.
